Audition Sides


by Diana Burbano


Saúl made me swear on everything I found holy that I would bury him, but, -oops-! I left my body on earth 20 years before he did. That bastard just wouldn’t give! He had 3 different cancers, lost a kidney! Heart attacks galore! He died twice right in front of me! The first time he died at the hospital, I thought, “Finally, I am free of his curse!” I was already picking up my purse and signing the funeral papers when he inhaled hard and sat bolt upright. All his skin fell off, and he had a terrified look on his face. “Vi el diablo! Vi el diablo!” He was so scared of the devil, he refused to die. The second time he died, the doctors assured me he was flatlined and they even got as far as the morgue, but  POOM- inhale! And back he came. Scared the coroner half to death. I knew then, I was in deep trouble.


Goddamit! –I’m fighting the pull. I feel it, pushing behind my eyes, filling my body. Telling me I’m the conqueror, I need to take what I want, and if it’s scared of me? Even better. I’m supposed to be a fucking jaguar, ripping the throat out of my prey. The minute I got my first hard-on, I knew how fucked up it all was. But I’m not gonna lie. I like sex. Sex is good. Sex is fun. Sex is a fucking great hobby. But I’m not toxic, I never hurt anyone. Never forced myself on anyone. I’m nothing like him. I could be, I know that, but I’m not.


I don’t know why Saúl felt compelled to use my body or my sister’s body. I’ve been talking about it so long that the idea has lost its bite. Yes, I was molested, but so was, I don’t know, EVERY other woman in here? I mean. All of us? And we all turn a blind eye and let him do what he did, and I honestly can’t figure out why, or if anyone said to him stop, or if you all just sighed and figured it was inevitable. I turn that over and over in my head. The mundanity of it. The casual use of my body. Her body. Our bodies. Nothing but holes and mounds and weakness and lies. The biggest lie, and the one that makes my bones ache, is that our lives as women are worth nothing. Our history’s erased. Our lives forgotten. I’m here to tell you that we are EVERYTHING. Goddesses of creation, motherfuckers! This body: This body creates life, multitasks like nobody’s business, is a hella great writer, and can hold me up here, even as it’s full of cancer and death. Full of cancer like him. But unlike him, I’m not afraid to die.


Mira gringo, ese viejo es un éspiritu maligno. Yo nunca pude saber sí Saúl era mi papá o no, pero sospecho que si era. Mi mamá siempre me dijo que uno tenia que darle respeto a sus parientes y a la iglesia. Los miro a ustedes, q ni al abuelo, ni a la patria, y ni a Díos son fieles, pero tienen plata, tienen privilegio, tienen el lujo de tener morales. No entiendo nada. Ojalá que Díos los arrojen al río! Chao. Espero que no verlos nunca más.

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